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Surviving (the inevitable) Z-Apocalypse

The other night during the night of festivities that were the Erskine Christmas party, I became obsessed with various people’s obsession with my obsession of the undead. The ringleader, known commonly as Simon Campbell, kept pestering me with what I’d do in certain situations, how’d I’d survive, and who I’d save etc. To be honest, I just wanted to enjoy my curry and drink my pint(s). To this end, I don't think I really lived up to my reputation, so I thought I’d do a little post for all you zombie-laymans, containing a few tips and opinions that you may use should you find yourself in an apocalyptic (undead-specific) situation.

Artist's impression of a 3-day old zombie

Note Before

Do remember, that despite many recent films and TV shows, zombies (pictured) cannot run/jump/dance. They’re dead - shuffling ands lunging are more appropriate; don't get caught out.

1. Discovery

Right first things first - the situation you’ll find yourself in when you realise what’s happening is not going to be pretty. It’s not gonna be like that computer game you got last Christmas, and you won’t find yourself laughing at your best mate as he nearly gets eaten, even if your best is Simon Pegg.

The first thing you want to do when you realise that people are dying, then standing back up, then trying to eat you, is get to a safe place (duh!). By safe I don’t mean the nearest Sainsbury’s just because they have CCTV, I mean safe in the way no one else will be there. If this means getting out of town to a remote building you know - do it. Basically you just need a place to sit out the first wave in safety.

Once you know this place your going to, travel on foot or by bike - something that’s versatile in your environment. A car will most likely land you in a pickle and public transport will all be infected.

Your undead loved one may look like this

Don’t try to reach loved ones, (pictured), it will always end badly (also pictured). Just make sure they know where your initial safe house is - go and brief them now!

2. Short-term Survival

Right, after the initial wave of infection has spread significantly (could take any time from a day to a couple of weeks, depending on where you live), you’ll need to find yourself a decent place to hold up for the next few months or so. The odds are, unless you’re weird, your initial safe house won’t be all that safe, and won't be well stocked in terms of supplies, so you’ll need to consider the following criteria when selecting your stronghold.

2.1 Safety

From both zombies and bunches of other humans, who want your flesh or your stronghold respectively. I think that something above the ground floor is ideal; you’ll always have the height advantage and stairs can be easily barricaded. Combine this with two entrances/exits (a sturdy set of doors at each) and enough space to adequately sleep your companions without any danger of cabin fever, and you should be pretty safe.

2.2 Supplies

The location of your stronghold is an important factor - too urban and you’ll have hordes of zombies to deal with on your supply-getting-runs, too rural and supplies could be elusive. For the first few months after the initial wave, there’s not going to be a shortage of supplies: 90%+ of the population will only eat human flesh, so there’s no need to ration, it’s all about finding the right source.

3. Weapons

If you haven’t done already by this point, you’re going to need to find yourself a favoured, well-balanced weapon for general use.

Although it’s tempting to want to use something really fucking cool (fig.1), practicality is the name of the game (figs. 2-5). It needs to be light enough to carry with you at all times and sharp enough to destroy brains without too much effort (baseball bats are going to be rubbish when you’ve got more than four zombies to deal with in a confined space). There’s no perfect weapon, and there will always be a strength/speed compromise you’ll have to make.

Figure 1: Fender Telecaster, (mexican, '77) mustard yellow
Figure 2: Chainring, campag, from a nice bicycle
Figure 3: Clawhammer, from your Dad’s toolshed
Figure 4: Hatchett, stolen from local serial killer’s house
Figure 5: Samurai sword, from your local junk shop

4. Long-term settlement

Don’t spend the first two months thinking the government or military are going to save you; they aren’t. Instead use the time to think of a perfect place to start a new life. You’ll basically have to establish a new settlement and before you go about doing this, you’ll have to decide how it’s going to be run. There’s not going to be time for talking about this stuff when you’re purging land for your new village and burning bodies etc. Decide in your little (or large group) how the community will be led, what the criteria is for taking in new people, make sure everyone’s got a responsibility they’re happy with etc. Although many of us don’t really see any immediate effects of large-scale politics these days, these small-scale decisions you make are pivotal.

Regarding location, I think being near the coast is generally a good idea, in a climate temperate enough to grow enough food. Bearing in mind the state the cities will be in, it’s a good idea to go rural.

There are 15 comments on this entry; nice. Post a comment

#1 // Jesse // 06/01/09

Very insightful. Thank you.
#2 // Simonski // 06/01/09

I really appreciate some clear thinking on this subject mate. I now understand what I need to do. I am on the Isle of Man. How do you think this may change the dynamic? Will they get across? Will they try and eat Beavis? Do they go diving? I was thinking about holing up under the water to prevent them getting me…
#3 // Angela // 06/01/09

Greg....can Zombies use mobile phones?
#4 // Reuben Whitehouse // 07/01/09

So the whole Cricket Bat as a weapon thing was a hoax too? Bloody Hollywood duping me again.
#5 // Greg // 07/01/09

@Campbells, the IOM is a tricky one. Being on a island that small is either really good or really bad, depending on the size of the population and the speed at which you react to the initial wave. Infection could easily be carried over on the ferry or plane by just one person during the first stages. After that, there’s nothing to say zombies can’t walk across the bottom of the sea, or float with currents on top of it.

They will eat Beavis, they can’t dive and they can’t use phones (or guns, like in Day of the Dead), and holing up under water is silly unless you have a big fuck off submarine.

@Reuben, well you could easily use a cricket bat, but it’s gonna be half as effective as anything with a sharp edge.
#6 // Chris Gedrim // 08/01/09

Strangely I was getting quite worried about zombies this morning after a colleague introduced me to the Walking Dead series of (factual) comics! It seems like I may have to sharpen the claw on my hammer in preparation!
#7 // pab // 09/01/09

haha nice one Greg.

what about breaking the strat into two pieces, shield bat combination
#8 // roj // 11/01/09

I’ve a friend equally obsessed with the impending doom. After (too) much wine one night we came up with a fairly elaborate plan eventually deciding on the best safe place.

I must say that we were a little more friendly to our loved ones though...a specific text message was saved in our phones to be sent as soon as any of us made the discovery! We’d all then head to the hideout...safety in numbers and all that.
#9 // sci // 14/01/09

Awesome work Greg! Loving the weapons put you forgot the box of classic vinyls.
#10 // Greg // 14/01/09

Cheers for your comments guys.

@Chris I love the Walking Dead comics; nice work.

@Pab haha - would take quite a few exploded zombie heads before a ‘77 broke in two, but good idea.

@Roj I would like to save loved ones, but the evidence that suggests it’s a bad idea is, to be fair, extensive.

@Sci even if zombies blew up on contact with wax music my collection would still not leave the house.
#11 // Rob // 15/01/09

Does the chain wheel need ot be from a nice bike or will rubbish one do? just considering the time taken in this situation to find a nice bike may outweigh any quality benefits…
#12 // Tim // 16/01/09

After years spent searching, my quest for an authoritative zombie pandemic survival guide is at an end. God bless you sir.
#13 // Jack Osborne // 18/01/09

Since you published this post I think I’ve visited it at least once everyday. I love the illustrations and the way you’ve created the page.

Top work Greg!
#14 // Greg // 09/02/09

I should probably add that those wanting a more in-depth tome, should check out The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks. I don’t fully agree with everything written here, but it’s certainly comprehensive, not to mention educational.
#15 // Justin Roberts // 19/03/09

Awesome post! I think I would ransack the nearest arms store focusing on automatic weapons and ammo. The next stop would be the local hardware store to gather a few chainsaws and then I’d steal a really big car like a Hummer and stock it up with food supplies to head of to a remote area.